Saturday, May 19, 2012

Another year in paradise

Lots of stuff has been going on. I don't know where to begin.

It seems like as I get older, I get more and more pessimistic about life in general. I don't know if it is because I see more and more things about the world that I don't like or if it is just that I am turning into an angry old man 30 years earlier than I should.  Everything annoys me and most everyone that I come into contact with suffers as a result of coming into contact with me. I snap at people. I pass judgement. I don't give them the chance to prove their worth.

I've closed myself off from making friends in real life, because I have this screwed up philosophy that eventually they will let me down, so why not just save myself some heartache and just cut all ties now?

But at the same time, I save face and try to be as welcoming and bubbly as possible. I literary cannot stand people, but the idea of people not liking me eats me up more than I can describe. I don't understand this, but I continue to make it a practice.

I've given up on my dreams. And I don't blame anyone for this besides myself. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be a household name. I wanted to share the twisted stories that are rattling around my head at all hours of the day. I just gave up one day. I had this moment of clarity where I saw nothing but failure and realized that was my destiny. 

This isn't meant to be attention whoring or compliment fishing.  I just forgot how good it felt to sit down and pour all of my thoughts out onto this digital paper. I forgot how much of a release it is.

In my heart, I truly do love the important ones in my life. Even the ones who think I don't respect them.  We hurt the ones we love the most.  I just wish I didn't do it as much as I do. Saying sorry isn't worth a damn if you know it will happen again, so I won't say I'm sorry. All I can say is that I know that I have a problem and that I am in the process of fixing it.

Please bear with me, as I know from years ago that this might get worse before it gets better.