Thursday, January 21, 2010

I wish someone would actually hate me 'cause they ain't me...

Today, a lot of the ice melted and fell. I say good riddance. It reminds me of the time that I spent in the French Foreign Legion. We were helping to relocate a group of nomadic ice dwellers from a quickly melting ice shelf to their new home in a walk in cooler located in the back of a Burger King restaurant in Central America. Well, the ice shelf melted and fell, killing all of the nomads. We still went to BK though. Whoppers were buy one get one free. It was the most tragically delicious burger I ever had.

I have found that the earlier I get up, the more likely I am to be tired when bed time gets here. Lisa and I started getting into this nasty habit of sleeping in late on days that she and I don't have to be at work or go anywhere important. So we get up at 10 or 10:30 and then when it is bedtime, she falls right asleep and I am not tired. I don't know how she does it. Frankly, I'm a little jealous some nights.

I think that Lisa and I have decided to find out what gender the baby is going to be. People have been pressuring us and we also would like to start thinking of some names for the baby. I just wish Lisa would pay serious attention to me when I tell her that it it is a boy, his name should be Vladimir. And Betty-Sue for a girl.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Sorry, ladies...I won't be giving out any roses tonight.

On the eve of yet another winter storm, I am warm and cozy in the place I always seem to be when winter storms hit: Chuck E. Cheese's.

My week has been pretty slow and uneventful so far, even though it is only Tuesday. Lisa and I have been talking a lot about whether or not we should buy a house or just rent one for a while. I am under the impression that Sioux City is my home and that this is where I want to grow old and die. She is under the impression that cold is evil and snow will kill us all in our sleep. And since she is a woman, she is always right. If only I was a millionaire. We would go to the Islands during the winter months and stay warm. Then we would come back to Sioux City and be warm again.

My old friend insomnia has come back to haunt my nights again. I just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. It isn't much fun. I try reading before bed to calm my nerves, but then I just lay up and think about what I read and that doesn't help either. The last time I had bad insomnia, I watched a Happy Days marathon on TVLand and then insisted that everyone call me "The Fonz" the next day. Let's hope that doesn't happen to be the solution this time around...

Friday, January 15, 2010


I just clicked that "Next Blog" button and it brought me to a blog entitled Random Thoughts. I cannot share the name. I will think of a new title. Sad Face.

God made pigs for me to eat. With my mouth.

Today was a day of rest. I figured that if God and Rabbi Goldstein can both have the sabbath off, I figured that I could take advantage of my day off and do about as little as humanly possible. So I slept in until 7:23 AM and then started to play XBOX at about 7:30. I pretty much continued to do that for the rest of the day. And then we went out to eat at Famous Dave's. Where I ate a pig.

I found a fun button on the top of my blog yesterday. It is the "Next Blog" button. I spent a good chunk of an hour just looking at other people's blogs and laughing at how amazingly dumb I thought they were. But then I realized that these blogs are their only way to express themselves. That is exactly why I have a blog. It's like a giant electronic diary for straight men.

Sandra Bullock has amazing hips.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Nuff Said


This is a test of my new blog from my phone feature.

Oh Yeah! It's Thursday!

The middle of the week is always my least favorite. I absolutely hate Wednesdays. I would rather have a bowling ball thrown into my scrotum then deal with Wednesdays any more. The day seems like it never ends. Whatever. I'll stop being a little whine baby about it. We need to discuss some other, more important things.

I noticed while I was changing out of my work clothes today, and emptying out my pockets, that I own a lot of black things. I will name a few. My wallet, my watch, my cell phone, my cell phone holster, my car remote, my car, my laptop, my headphones, my camera, my bluetooth retro phone receiver, and my favorite pair of underwear. I just enjoy black things. I don't know why. I've always been a fan of the blacks. I mean black things. There is only one black thing that
I would never own. Black people. That is against the law.

Abraham Lincoln once said, while in line at a local StarBucks, "I love being able to buy dark coffee, but I would never even consider buying a dark person."

Monday, January 11, 2010

Welcome Back.

As I lay in my bed the other night, I couldn't sleep, so I picked up my phone and looked at my Facebook page. I was just about to put the phone away and try to sleep, but I noticed that I had a link on my profile for my blog. I clicked on it and read through all of the old posts and tried to stifle my laughter, as to not wake up Lisa. I knew that I needed to get back into the business of writing things that people may or may not read.

Speaking of things that people won't read, I sent a movie script in to one of the major studios this week. I wrote it over the course of 3 months and am determined to see it on the silver screen some day. So, keep your eyes peeled for Fang Ten: The Tragically True Story of Hawaii's First and Only All Vampire Surf Team. If some lady can write a book about vampires and become a bazzillionaire over-night, I think that I can do it too.

This last week has been amazing. At the beginning of the week, we were at sub-zero temps and freezing our eyeballs off. Then, last night at 9:00, it was 30 degrees. Awesome. Tuesday was an extra special day. Lisa and I got to see our little peanut baby. It isn't really a peanut, but it looked like a peanut with arms and legs. The only thing it was missing was a top hat and a monocle. I call the baby it out of no knowledge of gender. It isn't out of indifference or lack of respect. I will love it if it is a boy or a girl or if it is in fact a peanut.