Friday, September 5, 2014

Your Weekly GPGold Offer Is Waiting Inside

Monday, July 14, 2014

Jeremy Cotter - 7/14/2014 12:58:02 AM

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Another year in paradise

Lots of stuff has been going on. I don't know where to begin.

It seems like as I get older, I get more and more pessimistic about life in general. I don't know if it is because I see more and more things about the world that I don't like or if it is just that I am turning into an angry old man 30 years earlier than I should.  Everything annoys me and most everyone that I come into contact with suffers as a result of coming into contact with me. I snap at people. I pass judgement. I don't give them the chance to prove their worth.

I've closed myself off from making friends in real life, because I have this screwed up philosophy that eventually they will let me down, so why not just save myself some heartache and just cut all ties now?

But at the same time, I save face and try to be as welcoming and bubbly as possible. I literary cannot stand people, but the idea of people not liking me eats me up more than I can describe. I don't understand this, but I continue to make it a practice.

I've given up on my dreams. And I don't blame anyone for this besides myself. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be a household name. I wanted to share the twisted stories that are rattling around my head at all hours of the day. I just gave up one day. I had this moment of clarity where I saw nothing but failure and realized that was my destiny. 

This isn't meant to be attention whoring or compliment fishing.  I just forgot how good it felt to sit down and pour all of my thoughts out onto this digital paper. I forgot how much of a release it is.

In my heart, I truly do love the important ones in my life. Even the ones who think I don't respect them.  We hurt the ones we love the most.  I just wish I didn't do it as much as I do. Saying sorry isn't worth a damn if you know it will happen again, so I won't say I'm sorry. All I can say is that I know that I have a problem and that I am in the process of fixing it.

Please bear with me, as I know from years ago that this might get worse before it gets better.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


This has been a bad week, and it is only Tuesday. I sometimes feel like I am stuck in this never ending cycle of time, and the only time that things are any different are when something bad happens. Don't get me wrong. I love my life for the most part and I can think of very little that I would actually change. I think that I just long for something else sometimes.  Nothing bad, mind you, but sometimes I feel like I need to have an adventure. Whatever happened to the days of pirates? When will I ever be called upon to save the nation from a sinister foe?  Where have all the cowboys gone?

I love the little adventures that I have now. Trying to do laundry and make sure that Teyla isn't climbing up the basement stairs at the same time is always a fun one.  This morning, I changed a flat tire all by myself. That was an adventure, but it might have been cooler with an explosion or two.  On second thought, maybe not in that situation.

Yesterday, I said goodbye to my friends at I have been a member of that community for a couple of years now and have met some truly amazing people that I consider to be great friends. After a lot if tossing and turning on Sunday night, I decided that I needed to make a change and that for the time being, Fark is going to have to be one of those things that I put aside to help me obtain my goals.

I have 3 goals for October and November: 1) I would like to loose some weight and get toned up. I'm tired of having tight pants and I think that I might have some self image issues flaring up. I think losing some inches might get me back on track to being happy again. 2) I want to become a Big Brother. I want to give someone a better life, or at least a distraction from their current one. It would feel great to use my spare time to make someone feel special, instead of just moping about in my spare time. I filled out my application last night and I am hoping to hear more soon. 3) I want to make Teyla a Christmas present. I don't know what it will be yet, but I want to give her something that she will be able to look back on when she is older and know how much her daddy loved her.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Toby Keith is putting on his boots. Prepare your ass.

Please don't think bad things about me, but I fell victim to the busy turn that my life has made this week, and I forgot what today's date was. Don't get me wrong, once I heard like 3 Toby Keith songs on the radio on my way into work, my memories of September 11, 2001 came rushing back like a tidal wave.

I was 18 years old and living in the back room at my mom's house on Court St. Back in those days, I was content working for minimum wage at the KD Station. I would work in the evenings, party all night, and sleep all day. I didn't have a real care in the world. I almost never had to work during the daytime hours, but this particular Tuesday, I had been scheduled at 9 in the morning. I was up by 8:15 to make sure that I had plenty of time for my morning rituals: two cigarettes, a quick shower, and a can of coke on my way out the door.

That day was no different. I woke up to my alarm clock stereo playing "The Circle of Life" from the Lion King soundtrack that had been stuck in my 5-disc CD changer for at least a year. I rolled out of bed and grabbed my pack of smokes and a lighter, and headed to the back porch. Some people need coffee to wake up fully in the morning. I needed two (2) cigarettes. I smoked my breakfast and headed back inside to shower. I walked into the main house and instantly saw my mom sitting in front of the tv, white as a ghost and tears streaking down her face. At this point of the morning, everyone, including the newscasters, was still convinced that this was a horrible freak accident. Somehow, a pilot had gotten off course and had slammed into the tower. This was the general consensus until they saw the second plane headed for the second tower. All hell was about to break loose. We sat in complete silence and watched the collision. I was late for work. I didn't care.

After the initial shock wore off, I called work and told them I would be a little late. The owner was somber on the phone. She was usually talkative and jovial. That morning, she calmly and quietly told me to just get there when I could, as there wasn't going to be much work going on that day. I went to work and sat with them in the office, watching the news and chain-smoking cigarettes. The only time I left the room was when they all sent me to buy more smokes. Back then, cigarettes and gas were cheap, so they gave me money for my own smokes and some gas money to boot.

That night, I got home and my parents told me that I was going to do two things: the first was that I was to go fill up all the family vehicles, as there was speculation that gas was going to break the $1.25/gal price and then I was going to the blood bank with my dad to donate blood.

That day was the last normal day of our lives. All of a sudden, things started to change. People were nicer to other people. People started to show a lot more distrust. People rallied around New York City officials and rescue workers, even if they lived on the opposite side of the country. People thought that this newfound patriotism would last forever. The only thing that lasted over the last nine years, in my humble opinion, is the distrust of people that are different than us.

Now, it seems that we are a patriotic nation when that fateful day comes around every September, and we will all get back to our boring and mundane lives again by Monday.

But, even if it is for only one day out of the year, it is important that we never forget the lives lost, both on that day and on every day since that we have been fighting for our nation and our freedom.

I'm just a guy that sells pizza and writes my opinions about stuff. I've never served my country and probably never will. In fact, if it weren't for my love of violent video games, I could probably be classified as a modern-day hippy. But two facts remain: I love my country and I respect those that serve to protect it.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless Blackberry

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The voices in my head aren't voices. They are vuvuzela buzzes.

Two posts in the course of a week. I hope none of you suffer a heart attack. This is out of the ordinary for me. By now, you are all accustomed to my usual slacker-like attitude when it comes to this blog. Don't get me wrong though, I am by no means saying that I have changed my ways and will update more frequently. That would just be giving you false hope that I actually want to open a weekly or biweekly window into my mundane life. Instead, I will continue to sporadically update my blog whenever I feel necessary. Deal with it.

With all that legal stuff out of the way, let's get to the topic at hand. Tonight's Topic: Tattoos.

Today, while doing the very important task of making sure there were enough skeeballs in Skeeball Lane #3, I looked up to see Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise staring right back at me with his benevolent gaze that I grew up watching on the television. Right behind him, almost flanking him, was the quizzical, and almost curious, stare of Lt. Cmdr. Data. For a minute, I thought that I had been transported away to a fantastic journey that I always dreamed of as a younger me. Upon further inspection, I realized that it was indeed just a piece of artwork on a random guy's right leg. After I quelled my need to scream in a geek-like cry of passion, I finished loading balls into skeeball and went on my way.

A few minutes later, this guy came to me with a request for assistance with another game. I couldn't contain my nerdgasam any longer and, as I pushed my glasses further up onto the bridge of my nose, I blurted out that I "absolutely loved" his tattoo. This started a shortlived, yet beautiful, five minute friendship. We spent all of our friendship talking about Star Trek and ended on the most heartwarming note, both agreeing that Star Trek: Deep Space Nine was the best of the Star Trek television series. We went our separate ways. I would like to think that as he walked away, he thought about how charming of a fellow I was and how glad he was that our paths had crossed on this fateful afternoon. In fact, I KNOW that is what he was thinking.

I just smiled to myself and thought about how I would be able to justify cutting off his right leg and keeping it for myself.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

...Home of the Molten Goat!

I don't have a very good excuse for waiting this long in between posts. The only excuse I can think of is that I have been too busy with my life to sit down for a half hour every couple of days and put my thoughts onto "paper", so to speak. The last few months have just caught me by surprise and trapped me in a sort of temporal anomaly. I feel like just last week, Lisa and I were looking for a new place to live and it wasn't even May yet. Now, it is the middle of July, we have a house, and the baby might be here any day.

You learn a lot when purchasing a new house. You learn even more when you purchase a house with in-laws. You start to learn everyone's boundaries and that what might seem like an acceptable "joke" to you is offensive to the other person. You learn to be a little more patient with people and you learn that even though you don't want to, sometimes the best action is to step back and let someone have their own way. The biggest thing I struggle with is sharing my things, especially my Xbox. But, even though there are times that I feel like just freaking out and being selfish, I have found that the better option is to just let it be and schedule my playing time around Ryan's playing time. Besides, my days of Xbox playing are numbered. More important things are coming.

With four very opinionated people living under the same roof, I thought for sure that we would have had the cops out to the house at least once a week by now. But, aside from a couple of stress induced spats, I think we are getting along pretty well.

Only time will tell if we can hold out and finish out the year peacefully. As long as we keep the scotch cold and the Coca-Cola in stock, I'll be happy.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless Blackberry

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Somewhere, people are talking about me and how they wish I was there with them. But, unfortunately, my passport expired last week and airfare to France is too expensive.

We now have a house. It is a nice little house with about 30 doors on the ground floor. I think there are that many so that the happiness and sanity has several escape routes.

Lisa and I (with the help of my sister-in-law's signature) purchased the house to make sure that we have ample room for the baby. Part of the agreement was that Amy would be living with us for the first year, until I can salvage my shipwreck of a credit score. Let's just say that this is going to be an interesting first year. It isn't that we don't get along, it is that we are both VERY opinionated and stubborn. Phrases like "my house" have been replaced by "the house", as to not cause any arguments about who technically the house belongs to.

The biggest issue will be my selfishness. I like to have MY things where and when I want them. My xbox playing will probably be the cause of a lot of arguments, not to mention the way I feel about my laptop. I don't trust other people not to screw it up. But, I just like to have things the way I am used to.

Hopefully I will keep my sanity intact so that I can go back to updating this blog regularly again.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless Blackberry

Friday, May 7, 2010

Calling all Monsters.

I know it has been a while since i have posted one of these. I kind of gave up on my side project. I didn't think that it was going anywhere. Maybe I will pick it up again in the future, but I can't guarantee anything. My life is going a million miles per hour and I just can't find the time to be creative.

My brother Ben talked my into being in a show with him at the community theater. We are playing the "Costazuela brothers" in Neil Simon's female version of The Odd Couple. We are pretty much the comic relief in the second act. We get to speak in a Spanish accent and be 'romantic and sexy.' I had trouble with the accent, but romance and sexiness kind of runs in my blood.

Work is going well. Working some crazy shifts this month so that I can make time for all the practices/performances/moving that I will be doing. Pretty hectic month.

I will try to post more later. I love you. Jeremy

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Paint Chips and Salsa

Life for me is too routine lately. I do the same thing every day. At the end of the week, I start over and do it all again. At work, especially, I constantly feel like I am just going through the motions. Nothing changes. Nothing is exciting. The hours drag by and I end the day feeling empty. I yearn for excitement. I hunger for adventure.

I want to be famous for something. I don't need to be world famous. I don't even need to get rich (although I wouldn't complain). I just want to have some sort of fame associated with me. And I want it to be for something awesome.

And the three of you that read this blog can someday say, "Hey, I was one of the three people that read his blog back before he got famous."

Coming Soon: A New Project

I am inspired to take up a challenge. I will begin April 1st. It will be fun. Look forward to it.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Confessions are for the guilty.

Are jalapenos a substance? If so, somebody needs to call a substance abuse hotline and report me. I can't get enough of them. I feel like a meth addict with a conscience. I know how they make me feel the next day. I know how they inflame my esophagus with a fire that would make Satan himself break a sweat. But in my case, knowledge leads to stupidity and the desire to have even more. Something about that spicy sensation and the steady flow of liquids from every hole in my head keeps me coming back for more. Someday it will be a crime to have jalapenos and I will be an enemy of the state, garnishing my salads and enchiladas in a secret compartment under my house. And when they finally catch me, my only two requests will be immunity for my family (as they will know nothing of my secret jalapeno lair) and a prescription for ulcer medication.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Punchline.

Every Tuesday, I cut my hand in some way. It isn't on purpose, it just happens. Sometimes I try to put something on a shelf and skin my fingers on the side of the shelf that I should have avoided. Other times, the box cutter that I am using mistakes my finger for cardboard. I was looking at my hands and the various scrapes, scabs, and scars when I thought to myself that it speaks volumes about my character: I am clumsy.

In a sense, we are all just as clumsy. Some of us are physically clumsy, while others are socially awkward and clumsy. I speak from experience on both. I haven't always been this model of confidence and (at times) arrogant security.

When I was a teenager, while all of my 2 friends that I had were into sports and cars, I was interested in Star Trek and reading a good book. People would ask what I thought about "the Bears" and I would have to ask what sport these "bears" played. I was more interested in what Captain Sisko would do about the impending invasion by the Dominion or if Captain Janeway would ever get the crew of the U.S.S. Voyager back home to the Alpha Quadrant.

I didn't even pay attention to girls until I was 17 or 18. It wasn't that I didn't want "love". It was because I felt that I didn't deserve it or couldn't obtain it. Females weren't scary to me; rejection was. Luckily for me, I met the wrong girl and gained two things: confidence and the knowledge that I could do better. Almost 5 years later, I am confident that my life is the best that anyone can ask for in a life.

So, next week when I cut my hand, I'll wipe off the blood and be thankful for clumsiness.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Life and Death of my Sanity

Somebody once told me that you can't loose your mind if you never had one to begin with. I disagree. I am slowly, but surely losing my mind. The sad thing is, I don't really seem to care. I don't care about much these days. I can count on a three fingered hand the things that I care about. 1) My wife. 2) My family (this includes the little guy/gal currently residing inside of my wife) and 3) My job.

I have come to realize that the "friends" that I had growing up are merely acquaintances now. I see them here and there and when we talk, it seems like we are strained for topics and feigning interest. But for some reason, I knew it was going to happen years ago. Sometimes I wish I had a group of "the guys" that I could hang out with. We would drink beer, play cards, and piss and moan about our jobs, finances, wives, etc. You know. The kind of guys depicted on sitcoms and in movies.

Right now, besides my biological siblings, my closest male friends are Lisa's four brothers. I love those guys like they were my own blood.

I let work and "growing up" take priority over my other friendships. I guess that's what happens when you grow up.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Ruining Little Kid Birthday Parties Since 2004

I'm pretty much done with winter. My hands are cracked and dry. My head is cracked and dry. My feet sweat at work, then my socks freeze while I drive home. Maybe a little too much information there, but this blog has always been known for its truthfulness.

Lisa and I still don't know what the gender of the baby is. We were going to find out on Monday, but the baby had plans that involved crossed legs and other shenanigans. Oh well. Just another month of people incessantly asking us what we are having and what we are hoping for and what color the baby's eyes are. Seriously. People ask too many damned questions. For something that should be considered a private matter, lots of people want to know everything.

I have started to read again. I'm about 45 pages away from finishing Jurassic Park. The book is just amazing. I am going to finish it either tonight or tommorow, then get the film version from Netflix. I already am aware that the book will be better, but I haven't watched the movie since it came out some 17 years ago or so.

The other night, I had a great idea for a story pop into my head. I wish words came as easily as ideas do...I would have 2 or 3 novels done by now. Oh well. Such is life.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Whiskey Shots and Cheap Cigarettes.

More and more, I find myself looking forward to my future. Some aspects of my future scare me, while others excite me. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like right now if I never took the chance on going to Perkins that Friday night five years ago. Where would I be today if I hadn't offered the girl from Hinton a ride home after her friends left her at the restaurant. The bottom line is this: if I had chickened out that night and not gone to Perkins, I don't think that my life would be as amazing or wonderful as it is now. But now, instead of wondering about my past, I'm looking forward to the beginning of a new era. In just about five months, we will be bringing a new life into the world. My mind is swarming with questions. Will it be a boy or a girl? Will it be healthy? When it is old enough, will it develop a love for the things that I love, or will it develop passions of its own? Will it like me?

The only thing that I know for certain is this: I will love this baby with all that I can muster, no matter what happens.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

So long and thanks for all the figs. Or is it fish?

Today has been an interesting day. I got up and went down to start Lisa's car, so it would be warmed up when she left for work. This was at 7:15 or so. After she left, I went about my normal morning routine, which consisted of turning on the TV, followed by turning on the XBox. The last step was sitting on the couch for about the next 4 hours. Very proud of myself that I got all of that accomplished.

I went to work at 1:00 and had to run some errands for the store. I went to Sam's Club to get some produce for the salad bar, like I have been doing every Thursday for years. And every Thursday, at least one employee or customer there, asks me if I'm a vegetarian. Today I said "Nope. I raise rabbits."

Also, I got promoted today and got a raise. Wasn't expecting that one, but I'll take it. Gonna be helpful with a little one on the way. So today can only go downhill, cuz I'm on top of the world right now.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Would You Like Some Attitude With That?

I just sat down and put my thinking cap on. Ok. I lied. I put my hood up on my sweatshirt. My ears are cold. Don't get all in my business about it. It is just a hood.

Fine. I took it off.

So this weekend was our first real busy one of the year. We were super packed at the Cheese and I began my annual practice of being an asshole when I need to be. Something about being at full capacity and having to be firm and borderline strict with the people that come into my store just makes me shine. So for the next few months, if you want to get snapped at and talked down to, all while I have the biggest, warmest smile on my face, then you know where to find me.

I decided last week to stop caring about stuff that I can't handle. I know that I am supposed to be everyone's friend and everyone's buddy, but I can't fake it anymore. I am content with my life. I am content with the choices I have made and the ones I still make on a daily basis. I am content with my toys. I hate feeling like people are trying to one up me with their phones, or their cars, or their games. I don't care. All I need in my physical life I already have: her name is Lisa.

If tomorrow finds us homeless and penniless, and all I have is my wife, my partner, I will have prevailed.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I wish someone would actually hate me 'cause they ain't me...

Today, a lot of the ice melted and fell. I say good riddance. It reminds me of the time that I spent in the French Foreign Legion. We were helping to relocate a group of nomadic ice dwellers from a quickly melting ice shelf to their new home in a walk in cooler located in the back of a Burger King restaurant in Central America. Well, the ice shelf melted and fell, killing all of the nomads. We still went to BK though. Whoppers were buy one get one free. It was the most tragically delicious burger I ever had.

I have found that the earlier I get up, the more likely I am to be tired when bed time gets here. Lisa and I started getting into this nasty habit of sleeping in late on days that she and I don't have to be at work or go anywhere important. So we get up at 10 or 10:30 and then when it is bedtime, she falls right asleep and I am not tired. I don't know how she does it. Frankly, I'm a little jealous some nights.

I think that Lisa and I have decided to find out what gender the baby is going to be. People have been pressuring us and we also would like to start thinking of some names for the baby. I just wish Lisa would pay serious attention to me when I tell her that it it is a boy, his name should be Vladimir. And Betty-Sue for a girl.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Sorry, ladies...I won't be giving out any roses tonight.

On the eve of yet another winter storm, I am warm and cozy in the place I always seem to be when winter storms hit: Chuck E. Cheese's.

My week has been pretty slow and uneventful so far, even though it is only Tuesday. Lisa and I have been talking a lot about whether or not we should buy a house or just rent one for a while. I am under the impression that Sioux City is my home and that this is where I want to grow old and die. She is under the impression that cold is evil and snow will kill us all in our sleep. And since she is a woman, she is always right. If only I was a millionaire. We would go to the Islands during the winter months and stay warm. Then we would come back to Sioux City and be warm again.

My old friend insomnia has come back to haunt my nights again. I just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. It isn't much fun. I try reading before bed to calm my nerves, but then I just lay up and think about what I read and that doesn't help either. The last time I had bad insomnia, I watched a Happy Days marathon on TVLand and then insisted that everyone call me "The Fonz" the next day. Let's hope that doesn't happen to be the solution this time around...

Friday, January 15, 2010


I just clicked that "Next Blog" button and it brought me to a blog entitled Random Thoughts. I cannot share the name. I will think of a new title. Sad Face.

God made pigs for me to eat. With my mouth.

Today was a day of rest. I figured that if God and Rabbi Goldstein can both have the sabbath off, I figured that I could take advantage of my day off and do about as little as humanly possible. So I slept in until 7:23 AM and then started to play XBOX at about 7:30. I pretty much continued to do that for the rest of the day. And then we went out to eat at Famous Dave's. Where I ate a pig.

I found a fun button on the top of my blog yesterday. It is the "Next Blog" button. I spent a good chunk of an hour just looking at other people's blogs and laughing at how amazingly dumb I thought they were. But then I realized that these blogs are their only way to express themselves. That is exactly why I have a blog. It's like a giant electronic diary for straight men.

Sandra Bullock has amazing hips.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Nuff Said


This is a test of my new blog from my phone feature.

Oh Yeah! It's Thursday!

The middle of the week is always my least favorite. I absolutely hate Wednesdays. I would rather have a bowling ball thrown into my scrotum then deal with Wednesdays any more. The day seems like it never ends. Whatever. I'll stop being a little whine baby about it. We need to discuss some other, more important things.

I noticed while I was changing out of my work clothes today, and emptying out my pockets, that I own a lot of black things. I will name a few. My wallet, my watch, my cell phone, my cell phone holster, my car remote, my car, my laptop, my headphones, my camera, my bluetooth retro phone receiver, and my favorite pair of underwear. I just enjoy black things. I don't know why. I've always been a fan of the blacks. I mean black things. There is only one black thing that
I would never own. Black people. That is against the law.

Abraham Lincoln once said, while in line at a local StarBucks, "I love being able to buy dark coffee, but I would never even consider buying a dark person."

Monday, January 11, 2010

Welcome Back.

As I lay in my bed the other night, I couldn't sleep, so I picked up my phone and looked at my Facebook page. I was just about to put the phone away and try to sleep, but I noticed that I had a link on my profile for my blog. I clicked on it and read through all of the old posts and tried to stifle my laughter, as to not wake up Lisa. I knew that I needed to get back into the business of writing things that people may or may not read.

Speaking of things that people won't read, I sent a movie script in to one of the major studios this week. I wrote it over the course of 3 months and am determined to see it on the silver screen some day. So, keep your eyes peeled for Fang Ten: The Tragically True Story of Hawaii's First and Only All Vampire Surf Team. If some lady can write a book about vampires and become a bazzillionaire over-night, I think that I can do it too.

This last week has been amazing. At the beginning of the week, we were at sub-zero temps and freezing our eyeballs off. Then, last night at 9:00, it was 30 degrees. Awesome. Tuesday was an extra special day. Lisa and I got to see our little peanut baby. It isn't really a peanut, but it looked like a peanut with arms and legs. The only thing it was missing was a top hat and a monocle. I call the baby it out of no knowledge of gender. It isn't out of indifference or lack of respect. I will love it if it is a boy or a girl or if it is in fact a peanut.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Guilty pleasures are for felons

I don't know where to begin. I haven't written a new one of these since before the new year. My life has been going a million miles an hour and I just don't allow myself the time to write on my blog. Oh well. I'm sure I haven't destroyed the balance of the universe, so I don't really care.

I am getting married in just over 2 months and that has been taking up a lot of my time. Trying to juggle work, class, premarital counseling, and free time with Lisa is no easy task.

The other day, a friend told me that his wife is upset that I don't write my blog any more. I told him that she would probably get over it. When he assured me that she probably wouldn't get over it, I decided to write another entry. I can't promise miracles, but I will try to update this regularly. I can't promise daily updates. It just isn't realistic.

In just 6 days, I will be becoming a member of the Catholic church. It is something that I have worked very hard for and am very excited to have happen. I have learned so much about myself and my faith over the last year or so and am excited to see this all come full circle.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I hope this finds you well.

Happy day before the day before Christmas. I have wronged you and the only way that I can make it up to you is with another entry. I am sorry that it has been almost a month. A lot of stuff has been going on and I have not been able to manage my time. But I felt the need to write a few things today. First of all, Christmas is upon us and no matter how much I try to beat it away with a stick, it presses onward, trying to constantly suffocate my holiday spirit.

It was 23 degrees today. It felt like a friggin tropical paradise as compared to the last few days of windchills that hit 30 below. Even with this burst of warm air, it is still too cold to be alive. I nearly froze to death 2 days ago. I was out walking when I was attacked and left for dead. I escaped the cave I was in and stumbled out into the frozen tundra. There were high winds and blowing snow and I soon got lost. I collapsed to the ground and started to die. If it hadn't been for my good friend Han Solo and his quick thinking with that TonTon, I would be history right now.

I also want to take this time to admit to the world that all I want for Christmas is you.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

happy whatever

Sometimes I don't feel like being a nice guy. For some reason, at 4 in the morning outside of Target, I felt like being a nice guy. My brother ben and I went to target to take advantage of their amazing deals on Hannah Montana bath towels. We knew that we needed new towels and we decided to get these Hannah Montana ones. Plus, I've been feeling really awkward drying off with the Jonas Brothers towels I got for my birthday. Just something about drying my naked body with the face of Joe Jonas rubs me the wrong way. Pun intended.

Anyway, I was in a pretty chipper mood Friday morning and struck up conversations with people and had a good time trying not to get trampled when the doors opened at 6. I got Lisa a *** ****** **** ******* ******!! She will be very happy with it I'm sure. We also bought some $4 movies and I bought some new shirts.

It is hard to believe that Christmas is going to be here soon. In fact, its beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Everywhere you look. I don't think I have told anyone this year yet that I hate Christmas music. Well, I do and the only Christmas song I have ever liked is the David Bowie/Bing Crosby duet of the little drummer boy.

If anyone wants to get me anything this year, make sure it is either strange or delicious. Something strange AND delicious would be even better.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

encased in concrete is no way to go through life

5 days have passed since I last wrote one of these blogs. Unacceptable. I blame it on sheer laziness and the economy. And the cold.

I haven't really had much happen lately that I felt necessary to write about. Friday night, Lisa and I made an impromptu road trip to Omaha, Nebraska for dinner. We also went Christmas shopping, but mostly we drove an hour and a half for dinner. We went to one of our favorite resturants: Burger King. Or did we go to P.F. Chang's China Bistro? I can't really remember.

That was probably one of the most exciting things we have done this week.

I decided to buy a blank, leather-bound journal yesterday. I proceeded to write a few paragraphs that will hopefully be the start of a story I had pop into my head the other night. I don't know how long it takes to write a book or short story, but I'm going to try. Hey, it keeps me off the streets and away from the gang wars, so it'll be good either way I guess. I already have a title for it: Fourteen.

I have been increasingly tired lately. I don't usually stay up past midnight if I can help it, but in the mornings I just don't want to drag myself out of bed. Maybe it is my age starting to show. I will be turning 26 the week after I get married. Kind of a scary thought. Lisa will probably start having to look into nursing homes before too long.

Speaking of being old, I got a fun letter in the mail the other day. It was my AARP card. I kid you not. I got home and there was an envelope for me from them that said 'card enclosed.' I opened it and there it was. My very own card. According to the letter that came with it, I have the card, but I am not 'elegible to use it until 2033. Hmmmmmmm.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

We are all ok, until the day we are not.

Oh hi.

I found out some exciting news today. I found out that I do not enjoy soup in 'chowder' form. I thought that the can of potato and ham chowder looked really good so I bought it. It was not as good as it looked in the picture. Not nearly. How do people eat stuff that has the texture of warm butter-milk? The only saving grace of my meal was the half loaf of italian bread that I had with it. I love italian bread, but I love it more when it is slathered with canola oil butter. Good night, that is some mighty fine tasting butter. I am not ashamed one bit to admit that I will lick the knife after I am done spreading the butter.

Thanksgiving is exactly 2 weeks away. I can't wait. Not only do I get 3 days off that week, but I also get to eat as much food as my stomach can hold and not look like a greedy bastard. Even though I am a greedy bastard. But that is besides the point.

I decided to stop being a work-a-holic and told my manager at Hot Topic that I am done after the first of the year. I will miss the 40% discount, but I really won't miss the 7 day work weeks.

Something else. I have been pondering doing something extreme and writing a book about it. I don't want to mention what my idea is on the internet, but it would involve me missing 2 weeks of work and perhaps putting my life/health in danger. If this sparks any interest and you want to know more so that you can give me insight, give me a call. If I don't answer, I'll call you back.

That's it for tonight.

An ode to you

Sometimes the time we spend together isnt the best. Sometimes we fight and sometimes we just dont talk about what we are feeling. if we can have more nights like last night, i will be the happiest person in the world.
i love ye.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

You're hideous...and sexy.

Today is the day that we recognize our veterans and all things that they do/did for our country. Growing up in a military family makes me appreciate this a little more. People stand around and say that the war is wrong and that they don't support the troops, but they don't realize that every day people younger than me give their lives so that we can have our freedoms. Freedom isn't just something that is owed to us because we are American. Whoever beleives that is a fool. I would never be able to step out of my comfort zone and join the military. I am weak. But what I will do is tip my hat to them and thank them as much as I possibly can.

On a different note, I would like to tell you all that while it actually got above freezing today, it was still too cold. Too cold for what, you might ask? I'll tell you. Today was too cold for me to try and get a sun tan, go jogging in only a tshirt (no pants), and too cold to shower outside with the garden hose. Believe me, I tried. All three. All I got was a cold and arrested for jogging with no pants on. Luckily, I was able to sneak my blackberry into the cell and that is how I am typing this. I need about 5000 dollars for bail. If each of my loyal readers would send me about $10 each, then I would only need $4980. Please help. Jail is not fun. All they had for me to eat was some green jello and the showers here are full contact sports.

I think I will end this here. My celly is back and wants to talk about politics over cheap cigarettes and awkward romantic advances.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

It's begining to look a lot like...

Hey guys. Been a few days. I had a case of writer's block. You see, whenever I got on my laptop to update my blog, I couldn't think of anything to write about. But, I figured out why: I wasn't actually at my computer. Someone had made a cardboard replica of my laptop and replaced it on my desk. This was a damn good replica too. I wouldn't have figured out that it was fake if it hadn't been for the fact that the virus scan would not work right. I actually went so far as to completely reload windows and I thought I had lost my collection of family pictures, lolcat pictures, and password databases. So finally, to make a long story short, I found my real laptop today and that is how I am writing this entry.

That is a lie too. I am writing this on my blackberry.

When did it become standard to put up christmas decor the first week of november? Good lord that makes me sick. It isn't even thanksgiving yet and the mall is already getting ready for santa's arrival. Which, coincidently, is almost a week and a half before thanksgiving and about a week earlier than last year. So, according to this trend, santa will be at the malls year round by the time I'm about 60.

A lot of amazing stuff happened this week. We elected an african american to be our next POTUS, I developed a pretty nasty cold, and something else happened that I knew a second ago but just forgot. Oh well.

Oh yeah. It snowed the other day. It snowed and got so cold that I was forced to take drastic measures. My plan consisted of three steps:

1. Eat $25 worth of bar-b-que ribs on friday night.
2. Buy a new scarf and a hat that actualy covers my ears.
3. Continue to whine and cry about the cold until april or may comes around again.

Steps 1 and 2 were very easy, if not costly, to complete. Step 3 is a work in progress and will require all of the help that I can get.

I hate the cold. I'm Jeremy and I approve this message.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Make Socialism Work For You!!!

obama won. mccain lost. im pretty sure we will all get over it.

now quit your gripe sessions and do your other civic duty and support our new president.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Discovering the past and remembering the future

Whatever happens tomorrow, i know one thing for certain: elected officials will come and go, but i will always have a passion for one thing. Cheese.

When i was a kid, i didnt know what kind of word i would be living in when i grew up. I wanted so badly to be alive when we make contact with alien beings, or develop space travel that would be affordable for the average man, or a peaceful world where all we worried about was what color shirt we would wear that day. More and more, i see that dream sifting away.

We are the only beings in this universe, space travel kills more astronauts than polio and measles combined, and i have sooooooo many shirts to choose from that i dont even care anymore.

People arent getting kinder. In fact, they are getting stupider. Sometimes, i feel like i am the only sane person in some situations. I dont know if anyone will read this and know what i mean, but sometimes i feel myself getting dumber when i talk to stupid people. It is like i can feel my brain giving up.

In less than seven hours, we play the election game again. People are afraid because palin wants to nuke our enemies and obama wants to nuke our savings accounts. I officially dont even care anymore. I will tell you what i can get behind. I can get behind a platform founded on a freedom to enjoy any kind of cheese that you might like.

One of my fondest (i was gonna go with a fondue joke there, but decided not to. ) memories of cheese happened in the sixth grade. In foods class, we were introduced to Limburger cheese. oh my lord. aside from being the most disgusting smell i had ever had infiltrate my nostrils, it was the most amazing taste i have ever......tasted. since then, i have had a severe love for cheese. anyone that knows me will agree that cheese is the best and all those other dairy products out there are just sore and sorry shadows of what they could be.

I know that you read this for the funny, and that this post and my last have been more serious than the others, but i am just in a serious mood right now. more funny will come, but i want to keep it fair and balanced.

Thank you to the people that read this. some of you have told me that it makes their day to read my posts. It makes my day to make your day. and that just makes my day.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Today I went out and bought a pair of hair clippers, so Tom, I wont be needing to borrow yours any time soon again. Besides, my new ones are red and a little flashier than your black ones, so now i can shave all the hair off of my head in style and feel pretty doing it. not that there is anything wrong with your black ones. I am a lot of things, but a hair clipper racist i am not. I believe that all hair clippers, regardless of their shape or color, are able to cut hair as good as the next ones. They have the opportunity to cut hair for men, women, children, and even if a set of black hair clippers decides to run for president, i might not vote for them, but they would still have the right.

And i did shave my head. And it was glorious. At first, my hair did not want to sacrifice itself for the greater good, but after a small amount of coaxing, i convinced the hair that it was a choice that would instill a feeling of hope and a feeling of cold if i forget my hat. Also, once my hair saw the flashy red clippers, that was a deal maker.

Hair+Clippers=Bald Jeremy

On a serious note, I wanted to talk a little tonight about fear. A lot of people are afraid of a lot of different things. I have known people who were afraid of cats, dogs, fire, death, hispanics, whites, blacks, clowns, chuck e cheese, zombies, mummies, and health food.

I wanted to bare my soul a little and tell you readers what i am afraid of. There are several things that frighten me. I seem to be on a roll with my top 5 lists this weekend, so i will talk about the five things that freak me out, starting with the least scary.

1. Hidden Nuts
I am by no means being dirty here. I am talking about nuts in the sense of peanuts, walnuts, cashews, almonds, etc. People ridicule me because i can't eat anything that contains nuts that are concealed. This started when i ate my first Snickers bar so many years ago. I wasnt aware that they contained peanuts (no, i was not living under a rock, i was just mis-informed) and when i took my first bite and felt those hard peanuts instead of chewy nougat, i almost gagged. Since then, i have not been able to eat any candy bars with nuts, brownies or cookies with nuts, or anything else without nuts that might be hidden under a rouse of chocolate or any other delicious thing. But i love nuts by themselves. my favorite candy bar is a salted nut roll, as the peanuts are on the outside, and not the inside. figure that one out.

2a. Not being liked by others.
My life is a conundrum. I dont care what others think of me, but at the same time, i need people to like me. I hate when i am viewed as a jerk or an a-hole, even if it is by people that i dont care about. I go out of my way to be respectful to people who couldnt even care less if i walked outside and got hit by a bus. But still, i have this fear that people wont like me if i dont make them.

2b. Not being good enough
I love Lisa with all of my being. I just dont know what she sees in me. At times, i am the most difficult person to be around and sometimes just downright mean. My brother Jared (platonic, not biological) once told me that my best quality is also my worst quality and that is that i am the biggest asshole he has ever met. Lisa usually gets the full brunt of that. I am afraid that someday she will realize that she can do so much better for herself and that i am not good enough for her.

3. Making the same mistakes
I just hope that infidelity is not genetic. I would kill myself in a fire before i would ever want to hurt Lisa the way that I saw my mother get hurt. I hate that my mom has had a less than perfect life the last few years. But at the same time, if i could go back and time and fix all of her woes, i wouldnt. She has become a very strong woman and i am proud to call her my mother. She put a roof over my head and i remember one time when she helped me get out of the bathroom after i had been stuck in there for almost 45 minutes. I love my mom.

4. Water/Drowning
I hate the water. I refuse to be in water that would be over my head if i went under. I could think of a dozen other ways i would rather die. Just the idea of my lungs filling up with water and pretty much choking my from the inside out makes me want to never go on a boat again. Sidenote: I have been thinking a lot about death lately. Like "what if i was driving to work and got in an accident and died" or "What if i went to get a pop at kum and go at the wrong time and walked in on a robbery and got shot". Those both would be on my list of a dozen things i would rather have happen than drowning.

And the thing that scares me most:

5. Spiders

Spiders creep me out like crazy. I hate them with a passion and if i never had to see another one again, i would totally be ok with that. I know it isnt macho to be afraid of a bug, but let me stop you there. Spiders are arachnids, not bugs. I once heard that each year, the average human being swallows about 7 spiders in their sleep. I told that fun fact to someone and they told me it was an urban legend. I told them it wasnt, coughed up a spider that i had swallowed the night before, and spit it at them. The guy was convinced. I had to buy him a new shirt, but at least he knew i was right about the spiders. i hate spiders and thats all.

So those things scare me.

also, this post is useless without pics, so here is one for the ol nightmares:

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Slumming it.

So here I am. I won't be near my laptop tonight, so I am trying something different. I am doing tonights post from my blackberry. I feel very lazy while writing this. I am sitting in my office at work with a mug of Coca-Cola and blogging. It is really not that bad, because there are like 2 families in my store and not counting me, the employees to family ratio is 5:2. I like those odds.

Let me tell you a story. Last night, as I stood outside of my store and handed out candy to mexican supermans, black batmans, and more witches than you could shake a broomstick at, I was thinking about how awesome it would be if the claws that came with my Wolverine costume were real and I would be able to fight crime, shave myself, and cut up food for babies/senior citizens.

I have always been intrigued as to what life would be like if I was extra-ordinary. What if I were more athletic than I am? What if I were taller? What if I actually cared what the world thought? I'll tell you the answer to that last one. If I cared what the world thought, I wouldn't own a single shirt with a skull on it, I wouldn't have a ring in my septumn or a 2-guage hole in each of my ears, and I wouldn't have my tattoos.

I will give you my list of the top 5 things I care about:

1. Lisa
2. My family and friends
3. My job
4. Suicide Prevention
5. Zombie Defense Stratagies

Everything else is not important to me.

(Disclaimer: on my list, please put #5 at the top of the list and move everything else down one. Zombies are an imminent threat and yet all our government wants to worry about right now is money, the A-rabs, and whether we are going to elect some annoying black guy or some annoying white guy. As Barack Obama would have said like 25 years ago or so, "Fight the system" and tell your congressmen (or congresswomen) that we will not sit by and wait for the dead to walk the earth before they decide to take action. I for one will NOT welcome our undead warlords.)

Friday, October 31, 2008

Friday Night

I had an interesting night. Worked 2 to 10 at Chuck's and then went to hy-vee to buy me some oreos. I love me my oreos.

I got home at about 10:25 and decided to take a shower. No one at my house felt the need to inform me that the door-jam on the bathroom door was busted, so i closed it and started to get ready for my shower. I then remembered that i needed to get some underwear from my room. I went to leave the bathroom, only to discover that i was locked in.

Long story short, it took 45 minutes to try and pry the door open and finally, after removing the handle with a butter knife used as a screwdriver, i pretty much said to hell with it and told my mom i was going to sleep in the bathroom and would she please start passing me oreos in through the hole where the knob had been. She said to keep trying, so i just reached a couple fingers into the hole and pulled as hard as i could, forcing the door open and consequently shattering the door.

Good News: I got out of the bathroom

Bad News: I owe my mom a new door.

Awesome News: I'm gonna eat some oreos, bitches.

Halloween History

Hey. It is halloween. So i decided to grace you all with a little bit of Halloween history. I can assure you that all of the facts that are presented from here-on-out are going to maybe not be 100% true, but they will sound good. And that is really all that matters.

In the early 1800's, young Abraham Lincoln (yes, the President) was sitting in a dark room and drinking a cup of tea. In his left hand, he had a cup of tea and in his right hand, he had a butcher knife covered with the blood of a virgin.

In a wild fit of rage, Abe had killed his childhood friend Margret Thatcher (not the former British prime minister) over the tiny issue of who would be the lead in the school's presentation of The Life and Times of Jesus Christ: A Musical. Abe felt that he would be best as the lead in that even at age 6, he already had a full, natural beard.

Margret was all "women's rights this and women's rights that." Abe just wanted to shut her the hell up so he went home and got a knife and ended it once and for all. When he had killed her, and was on his way home, he crossed paths with the local mystic. His name was Tony Blair (not the current British Prime Minister) and he creeped everyone out. He was into such things as skulls, witchcraft, backgammon, and lactose intolerance. He was just a weird fellow. He told Abe that if he could have just the tiny-est amount of the blood, it would be enough to create a holiday so powerful that children would be scared senseless and also develop horrifying cavities in their teeth.

He traded the blood to Blair for a small assortment of lollipops, tootsie rolls, and sunflower seeds. Blair told him that he would not regret it. What Abe did not know was that he was also giving Blair some of his soul. Blair created the holiday and named it after his childhood nanny Ewan Halloway. He just mixed it up a bit.

Abe went on to live a normal life and one day became president. He did amazing things like speeches, took pictures with famous people, cured polio, rid the south of their pesky Negro problem, and became the first ever member of PETA. He had forgotten all about the time when he was 6. Then, when he died at the hands of an angry theater goer, he suddenly remembered that he had been cursed. He didn't stay dead and still roams the earth to this day.


So a good friend called me tonight and suggested that I try and find a way to record my daily thoughts and views for the public to read if they so wish. I told him that he was forgetting one little fact. It pains me so to reveal this on the internets, but I suffer from severe illiteracy. I cannot read or write.

In fact, at this very moment, there are 17 illegal immigrants crossing into California. Ten of them are children, three are women, one is a man, number fifteen is a post-op tranny, and the other two are missing a combined total of 8 fingers/toes. They decided last week that they would be able to have a better life in America. The lack of education, security, and fresh milk in their village was getting too much for them to handle. The man that I mentioned decided to take action and contacted an illegal agency that helped people in their situation.

The illegal trafficker told them that they had to pay him $500 and that he got to have his way with one of the women. The man knew that this was a very large sum of money, but he felt it necessary to pay it. He paid the man and sent the post-op tranny as the rest of the payment. The trafficker was un-able to notice that the woman used to be a man, so he called the deal fair and square.

Now, they are in America. The land of opportunity. They will have a chance to be protected from such things as drug lords, bad food, el chupacabra, and other things that seem to bother hispanic people.

(Interesting note: "Chupacabra" comes from the Spanish: chupar: to suck, cabra : goat.
So essentially, Chupacabra means "goat sucker". I think i will not call anyone that at all this weekend. Or will i call everyone that pisses me off that? Hmmmm.....the future is not written.)

Also, these illegal immigrants will have the opportunity to learn to read and write the English language. They will have a privilege that i was once offered and yet shunned. You see, when i was offered the chance to read, i decided to instead to devote my time to becoming a freelance professional video game player. So i may not be able to write or read anything longer than five letters long, but i'll kick your ass at Call of Duty.