Friday, October 31, 2008

Friday Night

I had an interesting night. Worked 2 to 10 at Chuck's and then went to hy-vee to buy me some oreos. I love me my oreos.

I got home at about 10:25 and decided to take a shower. No one at my house felt the need to inform me that the door-jam on the bathroom door was busted, so i closed it and started to get ready for my shower. I then remembered that i needed to get some underwear from my room. I went to leave the bathroom, only to discover that i was locked in.

Long story short, it took 45 minutes to try and pry the door open and finally, after removing the handle with a butter knife used as a screwdriver, i pretty much said to hell with it and told my mom i was going to sleep in the bathroom and would she please start passing me oreos in through the hole where the knob had been. She said to keep trying, so i just reached a couple fingers into the hole and pulled as hard as i could, forcing the door open and consequently shattering the door.

Good News: I got out of the bathroom

Bad News: I owe my mom a new door.

Awesome News: I'm gonna eat some oreos, bitches.

Halloween History

Hey. It is halloween. So i decided to grace you all with a little bit of Halloween history. I can assure you that all of the facts that are presented from here-on-out are going to maybe not be 100% true, but they will sound good. And that is really all that matters.

In the early 1800's, young Abraham Lincoln (yes, the President) was sitting in a dark room and drinking a cup of tea. In his left hand, he had a cup of tea and in his right hand, he had a butcher knife covered with the blood of a virgin.

In a wild fit of rage, Abe had killed his childhood friend Margret Thatcher (not the former British prime minister) over the tiny issue of who would be the lead in the school's presentation of The Life and Times of Jesus Christ: A Musical. Abe felt that he would be best as the lead in that even at age 6, he already had a full, natural beard.

Margret was all "women's rights this and women's rights that." Abe just wanted to shut her the hell up so he went home and got a knife and ended it once and for all. When he had killed her, and was on his way home, he crossed paths with the local mystic. His name was Tony Blair (not the current British Prime Minister) and he creeped everyone out. He was into such things as skulls, witchcraft, backgammon, and lactose intolerance. He was just a weird fellow. He told Abe that if he could have just the tiny-est amount of the blood, it would be enough to create a holiday so powerful that children would be scared senseless and also develop horrifying cavities in their teeth.

He traded the blood to Blair for a small assortment of lollipops, tootsie rolls, and sunflower seeds. Blair told him that he would not regret it. What Abe did not know was that he was also giving Blair some of his soul. Blair created the holiday and named it after his childhood nanny Ewan Halloway. He just mixed it up a bit.

Abe went on to live a normal life and one day became president. He did amazing things like speeches, took pictures with famous people, cured polio, rid the south of their pesky Negro problem, and became the first ever member of PETA. He had forgotten all about the time when he was 6. Then, when he died at the hands of an angry theater goer, he suddenly remembered that he had been cursed. He didn't stay dead and still roams the earth to this day.


So a good friend called me tonight and suggested that I try and find a way to record my daily thoughts and views for the public to read if they so wish. I told him that he was forgetting one little fact. It pains me so to reveal this on the internets, but I suffer from severe illiteracy. I cannot read or write.

In fact, at this very moment, there are 17 illegal immigrants crossing into California. Ten of them are children, three are women, one is a man, number fifteen is a post-op tranny, and the other two are missing a combined total of 8 fingers/toes. They decided last week that they would be able to have a better life in America. The lack of education, security, and fresh milk in their village was getting too much for them to handle. The man that I mentioned decided to take action and contacted an illegal agency that helped people in their situation.

The illegal trafficker told them that they had to pay him $500 and that he got to have his way with one of the women. The man knew that this was a very large sum of money, but he felt it necessary to pay it. He paid the man and sent the post-op tranny as the rest of the payment. The trafficker was un-able to notice that the woman used to be a man, so he called the deal fair and square.

Now, they are in America. The land of opportunity. They will have a chance to be protected from such things as drug lords, bad food, el chupacabra, and other things that seem to bother hispanic people.

(Interesting note: "Chupacabra" comes from the Spanish: chupar: to suck, cabra : goat.
So essentially, Chupacabra means "goat sucker". I think i will not call anyone that at all this weekend. Or will i call everyone that pisses me off that? Hmmmm.....the future is not written.)

Also, these illegal immigrants will have the opportunity to learn to read and write the English language. They will have a privilege that i was once offered and yet shunned. You see, when i was offered the chance to read, i decided to instead to devote my time to becoming a freelance professional video game player. So i may not be able to write or read anything longer than five letters long, but i'll kick your ass at Call of Duty.