Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween History

Hey. It is halloween. So i decided to grace you all with a little bit of Halloween history. I can assure you that all of the facts that are presented from here-on-out are going to maybe not be 100% true, but they will sound good. And that is really all that matters.

In the early 1800's, young Abraham Lincoln (yes, the President) was sitting in a dark room and drinking a cup of tea. In his left hand, he had a cup of tea and in his right hand, he had a butcher knife covered with the blood of a virgin.

In a wild fit of rage, Abe had killed his childhood friend Margret Thatcher (not the former British prime minister) over the tiny issue of who would be the lead in the school's presentation of The Life and Times of Jesus Christ: A Musical. Abe felt that he would be best as the lead in that even at age 6, he already had a full, natural beard.

Margret was all "women's rights this and women's rights that." Abe just wanted to shut her the hell up so he went home and got a knife and ended it once and for all. When he had killed her, and was on his way home, he crossed paths with the local mystic. His name was Tony Blair (not the current British Prime Minister) and he creeped everyone out. He was into such things as skulls, witchcraft, backgammon, and lactose intolerance. He was just a weird fellow. He told Abe that if he could have just the tiny-est amount of the blood, it would be enough to create a holiday so powerful that children would be scared senseless and also develop horrifying cavities in their teeth.

He traded the blood to Blair for a small assortment of lollipops, tootsie rolls, and sunflower seeds. Blair told him that he would not regret it. What Abe did not know was that he was also giving Blair some of his soul. Blair created the holiday and named it after his childhood nanny Ewan Halloway. He just mixed it up a bit.

Abe went on to live a normal life and one day became president. He did amazing things like speeches, took pictures with famous people, cured polio, rid the south of their pesky Negro problem, and became the first ever member of PETA. He had forgotten all about the time when he was 6. Then, when he died at the hands of an angry theater goer, he suddenly remembered that he had been cursed. He didn't stay dead and still roams the earth to this day.

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