I hope this finds you well.

Happy day before the day before Christmas. I have wronged you and the only way that I can make it up to you is with another entry. I am sorry that it has been almost a month. A lot of stuff has been going on and I have not been able to manage my time. But I felt the need to write a few things today. First of all, Christmas is upon us and no matter how much I try to beat it away with a stick, it presses onward, trying to constantly suffocate my holiday spirit.

It was 23 degrees today. It felt like a friggin tropical paradise as compared to the last few days of windchills that hit 30 below. Even with this burst of warm air, it is still too cold to be alive. I nearly froze to death 2 days ago. I was out walking when I was attacked and left for dead. I escaped the cave I was in and stumbled out into the frozen tundra. There were high winds and blowing snow and I soon got lost. I collapsed to the ground and started to die. If it hadn't been for my good friend Han Solo and his quick thinking with that TonTon, I would be history right now.

I also want to take this time to admit to the world that all I want for Christmas is you.

happy whatever

Sometimes I don't feel like being a nice guy. For some reason, at 4 in the morning outside of Target, I felt like being a nice guy. My brother ben and I went to target to take advantage of their amazing deals on Hannah Montana bath towels. We knew that we needed new towels and we decided to get these Hannah Montana ones. Plus, I've been feeling really awkward drying off with the Jonas Brothers towels I got for my birthday. Just something about drying my naked body with the face of Joe Jonas rubs me the wrong way. Pun intended.

Anyway, I was in a pretty chipper mood Friday morning and struck up conversations with people and had a good time trying not to get trampled when the doors opened at 6. I got Lisa a *** ****** **** ******* ******!! She will be very happy with it I'm sure. We also bought some $4 movies and I bought some new shirts.

It is hard to believe that Christmas is going to be here soon. In fact, its beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Everywhere you look. I don't think I have told anyone this year yet that I hate Christmas music. Well, I do and the only Christmas song I have ever liked is the David Bowie/Bing Crosby duet of the little drummer boy.

If anyone wants to get me anything this year, make sure it is either strange or delicious. Something strange AND delicious would be even better.

encased in concrete is no way to go through life

5 days have passed since I last wrote one of these blogs. Unacceptable. I blame it on sheer laziness and the economy. And the cold.

I haven't really had much happen lately that I felt necessary to write about. Friday night, Lisa and I made an impromptu road trip to Omaha, Nebraska for dinner. We also went Christmas shopping, but mostly we drove an hour and a half for dinner. We went to one of our favorite resturants: Burger King. Or did we go to P.F. Chang's China Bistro? I can't really remember.

That was probably one of the most exciting things we have done this week.

I decided to buy a blank, leather-bound journal yesterday. I proceeded to write a few paragraphs that will hopefully be the start of a story I had pop into my head the other night. I don't know how long it takes to write a book or short story, but I'm going to try. Hey, it keeps me off the streets and away from the gang wars, so it'll be good either way I guess. I already have a title for it: Fourteen.

I have been increasingly tired lately. I don't usually stay up past midnight if I can help it, but in the mornings I just don't want to drag myself out of bed. Maybe it is my age starting to show. I will be turning 26 the week after I get married. Kind of a scary thought. Lisa will probably start having to look into nursing homes before too long.

Speaking of being old, I got a fun letter in the mail the other day. It was my AARP card. I kid you not. I got home and there was an envelope for me from them that said 'card enclosed.' I opened it and there it was. My very own card. According to the letter that came with it, I have the card, but I am not 'elegible to use it until 2033. Hmmmmmmm.

We are all ok, until the day we are not.

Oh hi.

I found out some exciting news today. I found out that I do not enjoy soup in 'chowder' form. I thought that the can of potato and ham chowder looked really good so I bought it. It was not as good as it looked in the picture. Not nearly. How do people eat stuff that has the texture of warm butter-milk? The only saving grace of my meal was the half loaf of italian bread that I had with it. I love italian bread, but I love it more when it is slathered with canola oil butter. Good night, that is some mighty fine tasting butter. I am not ashamed one bit to admit that I will lick the knife after I am done spreading the butter.

Thanksgiving is exactly 2 weeks away. I can't wait. Not only do I get 3 days off that week, but I also get to eat as much food as my stomach can hold and not look like a greedy bastard. Even though I am a greedy bastard. But that is besides the point.

I decided to stop being a work-a-holic and told my manager at Hot Topic that I am done after the first of the year. I will miss the 40% discount, but I really won't miss the 7 day work weeks.

Something else. I have been pondering doing something extreme and writing a book about it. I don't want to mention what my idea is on the internet, but it would involve me missing 2 weeks of work and perhaps putting my life/health in danger. If this sparks any interest and you want to know more so that you can give me insight, give me a call. If I don't answer, I'll call you back.

That's it for tonight.

An ode to you

Sometimes the time we spend together isnt the best. Sometimes we fight and sometimes we just dont talk about what we are feeling. if we can have more nights like last night, i will be the happiest person in the world.
i love ye.

You're hideous...and sexy.

Today is the day that we recognize our veterans and all things that they do/did for our country. Growing up in a military family makes me appreciate this a little more. People stand around and say that the war is wrong and that they don't support the troops, but they don't realize that every day people younger than me give their lives so that we can have our freedoms. Freedom isn't just something that is owed to us because we are American. Whoever beleives that is a fool. I would never be able to step out of my comfort zone and join the military. I am weak. But what I will do is tip my hat to them and thank them as much as I possibly can.



On a different note, I would like to tell you all that while it actually got above freezing today, it was still too cold. Too cold for what, you might ask? I'll tell you. Today was too cold for me to try and get a sun tan, go jogging in only a tshirt (no pants), and too cold to shower outside with the garden hose. Believe me, I tried. All three. All I got was a cold and arrested for jogging with no pants on. Luckily, I was able to sneak my blackberry into the cell and that is how I am typing this. I need about 5000 dollars for bail. If each of my loyal readers would send me about $10 each, then I would only need $4980. Please help. Jail is not fun. All they had for me to eat was some green jello and the showers here are full contact sports.



I think I will end this here. My celly is back and wants to talk about politics over cheap cigarettes and awkward romantic advances.

It's begining to look a lot like...

Hey guys. Been a few days. I had a case of writer's block. You see, whenever I got on my laptop to update my blog, I couldn't think of anything to write about. But, I figured out why: I wasn't actually at my computer. Someone had made a cardboard replica of my laptop and replaced it on my desk. This was a damn good replica too. I wouldn't have figured out that it was fake if it hadn't been for the fact that the virus scan would not work right. I actually went so far as to completely reload windows and I thought I had lost my collection of family pictures, lolcat pictures, and password databases. So finally, to make a long story short, I found my real laptop today and that is how I am writing this entry.

That is a lie too. I am writing this on my blackberry.

When did it become standard to put up christmas decor the first week of november? Good lord that makes me sick. It isn't even thanksgiving yet and the mall is already getting ready for santa's arrival. Which, coincidently, is almost a week and a half before thanksgiving and about a week earlier than last year. So, according to this trend, santa will be at the malls year round by the time I'm about 60.

A lot of amazing stuff happened this week. We elected an african american to be our next POTUS, I developed a pretty nasty cold, and something else happened that I knew a second ago but just forgot. Oh well.

Oh yeah. It snowed the other day. It snowed and got so cold that I was forced to take drastic measures. My plan consisted of three steps:

1. Eat $25 worth of bar-b-que ribs on friday night.
2. Buy a new scarf and a hat that actualy covers my ears.
3. Continue to whine and cry about the cold until april or may comes around again.

Steps 1 and 2 were very easy, if not costly, to complete. Step 3 is a work in progress and will require all of the help that I can get.

I hate the cold. I'm Jeremy and I approve this message.

And it all set in on a wednesday in november

writers block. give me a day or so. i promise i wont let you down.

Make Socialism Work For You!!!

obama won. mccain lost. im pretty sure we will all get over it.

now quit your gripe sessions and do your other civic duty and support our new president.

Discovering the past and remembering the future

Whatever happens tomorrow, i know one thing for certain: elected officials will come and go, but i will always have a passion for one thing. Cheese.

When i was a kid, i didnt know what kind of word i would be living in when i grew up. I wanted so badly to be alive when we make contact with alien beings, or develop space travel that would be affordable for the average man, or a peaceful world where all we worried about was what color shirt we would wear that day. More and more, i see that dream sifting away.

We are the only beings in this universe, space travel kills more astronauts than polio and measles combined, and i have sooooooo many shirts to choose from that i dont even care anymore.

People arent getting kinder. In fact, they are getting stupider. Sometimes, i feel like i am the only sane person in some situations. I dont know if anyone will read this and know what i mean, but sometimes i feel myself getting dumber when i talk to stupid people. It is like i can feel my brain giving up.

In less than seven hours, we play the election game again. People are afraid because palin wants to nuke our enemies and obama wants to nuke our savings accounts. I officially dont even care anymore. I will tell you what i can get behind. I can get behind a platform founded on a freedom to enjoy any kind of cheese that you might like.

One of my fondest (i was gonna go with a fondue joke there, but decided not to. ) memories of cheese happened in the sixth grade. In foods class, we were introduced to Limburger cheese. oh my lord. aside from being the most disgusting smell i had ever had infiltrate my nostrils, it was the most amazing taste i have ever......tasted. since then, i have had a severe love for cheese. anyone that knows me will agree that cheese is the best and all those other dairy products out there are just sore and sorry shadows of what they could be.

I know that you read this for the funny, and that this post and my last have been more serious than the others, but i am just in a serious mood right now. more funny will come, but i want to keep it fair and balanced.

Thank you to the people that read this. some of you have told me that it makes their day to read my posts. It makes my day to make your day. and that just makes my day.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Today I went out and bought a pair of hair clippers, so Tom, I wont be needing to borrow yours any time soon again. Besides, my new ones are red and a little flashier than your black ones, so now i can shave all the hair off of my head in style and feel pretty doing it. not that there is anything wrong with your black ones. I am a lot of things, but a hair clipper racist i am not. I believe that all hair clippers, regardless of their shape or color, are able to cut hair as good as the next ones. They have the opportunity to cut hair for men, women, children, and even if a set of black hair clippers decides to run for president, i might not vote for them, but they would still have the right.


And i did shave my head. And it was glorious. At first, my hair did not want to sacrifice itself for the greater good, but after a small amount of coaxing, i convinced the hair that it was a choice that would instill a feeling of hope and a feeling of cold if i forget my hat. Also, once my hair saw the flashy red clippers, that was a deal maker.

Hair+Clippers=Bald Jeremy


On a serious note, I wanted to talk a little tonight about fear. A lot of people are afraid of a lot of different things. I have known people who were afraid of cats, dogs, fire, death, hispanics, whites, blacks, clowns, chuck e cheese, zombies, mummies, and health food.

I wanted to bare my soul a little and tell you readers what i am afraid of. There are several things that frighten me. I seem to be on a roll with my top 5 lists this weekend, so i will talk about the five things that freak me out, starting with the least scary.


1. Hidden Nuts
I am by no means being dirty here. I am talking about nuts in the sense of peanuts, walnuts, cashews, almonds, etc. People ridicule me because i can't eat anything that contains nuts that are concealed. This started when i ate my first Snickers bar so many years ago. I wasnt aware that they contained peanuts (no, i was not living under a rock, i was just mis-informed) and when i took my first bite and felt those hard peanuts instead of chewy nougat, i almost gagged. Since then, i have not been able to eat any candy bars with nuts, brownies or cookies with nuts, or anything else without nuts that might be hidden under a rouse of chocolate or any other delicious thing. But i love nuts by themselves. my favorite candy bar is a salted nut roll, as the peanuts are on the outside, and not the inside. figure that one out.


2a. Not being liked by others.
My life is a conundrum. I dont care what others think of me, but at the same time, i need people to like me. I hate when i am viewed as a jerk or an a-hole, even if it is by people that i dont care about. I go out of my way to be respectful to people who couldnt even care less if i walked outside and got hit by a bus. But still, i have this fear that people wont like me if i dont make them.

2b. Not being good enough
I love Lisa with all of my being. I just dont know what she sees in me. At times, i am the most difficult person to be around and sometimes just downright mean. My brother Jared (platonic, not biological) once told me that my best quality is also my worst quality and that is that i am the biggest asshole he has ever met. Lisa usually gets the full brunt of that. I am afraid that someday she will realize that she can do so much better for herself and that i am not good enough for her.

3. Making the same mistakes
I just hope that infidelity is not genetic. I would kill myself in a fire before i would ever want to hurt Lisa the way that I saw my mother get hurt. I hate that my mom has had a less than perfect life the last few years. But at the same time, if i could go back and time and fix all of her woes, i wouldnt. She has become a very strong woman and i am proud to call her my mother. She put a roof over my head and i remember one time when she helped me get out of the bathroom after i had been stuck in there for almost 45 minutes. I love my mom.

4. Water/Drowning
I hate the water. I refuse to be in water that would be over my head if i went under. I could think of a dozen other ways i would rather die. Just the idea of my lungs filling up with water and pretty much choking my from the inside out makes me want to never go on a boat again. Sidenote: I have been thinking a lot about death lately. Like "what if i was driving to work and got in an accident and died" or "What if i went to get a pop at kum and go at the wrong time and walked in on a robbery and got shot". Those both would be on my list of a dozen things i would rather have happen than drowning.

And the thing that scares me most:

5. Spiders

Spiders creep me out like crazy. I hate them with a passion and if i never had to see another one again, i would totally be ok with that. I know it isnt macho to be afraid of a bug, but let me stop you there. Spiders are arachnids, not bugs. I once heard that each year, the average human being swallows about 7 spiders in their sleep. I told that fun fact to someone and they told me it was an urban legend. I told them it wasnt, coughed up a spider that i had swallowed the night before, and spit it at them. The guy was convinced. I had to buy him a new shirt, but at least he knew i was right about the spiders. i hate spiders and thats all.


So those things scare me.

also, this post is useless without pics, so here is one for the ol nightmares:

Slumming it.

So here I am. I won't be near my laptop tonight, so I am trying something different. I am doing tonights post from my blackberry. I feel very lazy while writing this. I am sitting in my office at work with a mug of Coca-Cola and blogging. It is really not that bad, because there are like 2 families in my store and not counting me, the employees to family ratio is 5:2. I like those odds.

Let me tell you a story. Last night, as I stood outside of my store and handed out candy to mexican supermans, black batmans, and more witches than you could shake a broomstick at, I was thinking about how awesome it would be if the claws that came with my Wolverine costume were real and I would be able to fight crime, shave myself, and cut up food for babies/senior citizens.

I have always been intrigued as to what life would be like if I was extra-ordinary. What if I were more athletic than I am? What if I were taller? What if I actually cared what the world thought? I'll tell you the answer to that last one. If I cared what the world thought, I wouldn't own a single shirt with a skull on it, I wouldn't have a ring in my septumn or a 2-guage hole in each of my ears, and I wouldn't have my tattoos.

I will give you my list of the top 5 things I care about:

1. Lisa
2. My family and friends
3. My job
4. Suicide Prevention
5. Zombie Defense Stratagies

Everything else is not important to me.

(Disclaimer: on my list, please put #5 at the top of the list and move everything else down one. Zombies are an imminent threat and yet all our government wants to worry about right now is money, the A-rabs, and whether we are going to elect some annoying black guy or some annoying white guy. As Barack Obama would have said like 25 years ago or so, "Fight the system" and tell your congressmen (or congresswomen) that we will not sit by and wait for the dead to walk the earth before they decide to take action. I for one will NOT welcome our undead warlords.)

Friday Night

I had an interesting night. Worked 2 to 10 at Chuck's and then went to hy-vee to buy me some oreos. I love me my oreos.

I got home at about 10:25 and decided to take a shower. No one at my house felt the need to inform me that the door-jam on the bathroom door was busted, so i closed it and started to get ready for my shower. I then remembered that i needed to get some underwear from my room. I went to leave the bathroom, only to discover that i was locked in.

Long story short, it took 45 minutes to try and pry the door open and finally, after removing the handle with a butter knife used as a screwdriver, i pretty much said to hell with it and told my mom i was going to sleep in the bathroom and would she please start passing me oreos in through the hole where the knob had been. She said to keep trying, so i just reached a couple fingers into the hole and pulled as hard as i could, forcing the door open and consequently shattering the door.

Good News: I got out of the bathroom

Bad News: I owe my mom a new door.

Awesome News: I'm gonna eat some oreos, bitches.

Halloween History

Hey. It is halloween. So i decided to grace you all with a little bit of Halloween history. I can assure you that all of the facts that are presented from here-on-out are going to maybe not be 100% true, but they will sound good. And that is really all that matters.

In the early 1800's, young Abraham Lincoln (yes, the President) was sitting in a dark room and drinking a cup of tea. In his left hand, he had a cup of tea and in his right hand, he had a butcher knife covered with the blood of a virgin.

In a wild fit of rage, Abe had killed his childhood friend Margret Thatcher (not the former British prime minister) over the tiny issue of who would be the lead in the school's presentation of The Life and Times of Jesus Christ: A Musical. Abe felt that he would be best as the lead in that even at age 6, he already had a full, natural beard.

Margret was all "women's rights this and women's rights that." Abe just wanted to shut her the hell up so he went home and got a knife and ended it once and for all. When he had killed her, and was on his way home, he crossed paths with the local mystic. His name was Tony Blair (not the current British Prime Minister) and he creeped everyone out. He was into such things as skulls, witchcraft, backgammon, and lactose intolerance. He was just a weird fellow. He told Abe that if he could have just the tiny-est amount of the blood, it would be enough to create a holiday so powerful that children would be scared senseless and also develop horrifying cavities in their teeth.

He traded the blood to Blair for a small assortment of lollipops, tootsie rolls, and sunflower seeds. Blair told him that he would not regret it. What Abe did not know was that he was also giving Blair some of his soul. Blair created the holiday and named it after his childhood nanny Ewan Halloway. He just mixed it up a bit.

Abe went on to live a normal life and one day became president. He did amazing things like speeches, took pictures with famous people, cured polio, rid the south of their pesky Negro problem, and became the first ever member of PETA. He had forgotten all about the time when he was 6. Then, when he died at the hands of an angry theater goer, he suddenly remembered that he had been cursed. He didn't stay dead and still roams the earth to this day.

First!!

So a good friend called me tonight and suggested that I try and find a way to record my daily thoughts and views for the public to read if they so wish. I told him that he was forgetting one little fact. It pains me so to reveal this on the internets, but I suffer from severe illiteracy. I cannot read or write.

In fact, at this very moment, there are 17 illegal immigrants crossing into California. Ten of them are children, three are women, one is a man, number fifteen is a post-op tranny, and the other two are missing a combined total of 8 fingers/toes. They decided last week that they would be able to have a better life in America. The lack of education, security, and fresh milk in their village was getting too much for them to handle. The man that I mentioned decided to take action and contacted an illegal agency that helped people in their situation.

The illegal trafficker told them that they had to pay him $500 and that he got to have his way with one of the women. The man knew that this was a very large sum of money, but he felt it necessary to pay it. He paid the man and sent the post-op tranny as the rest of the payment. The trafficker was un-able to notice that the woman used to be a man, so he called the deal fair and square.

Now, they are in America. The land of opportunity. They will have a chance to be protected from such things as drug lords, bad food, el chupacabra, and other things that seem to bother hispanic people.

(Interesting note: "Chupacabra" comes from the Spanish: chupar: to suck, cabra : goat.
So essentially, Chupacabra means "goat sucker". I think i will not call anyone that at all this weekend. Or will i call everyone that pisses me off that? Hmmmm.....the future is not written.)

Also, these illegal immigrants will have the opportunity to learn to read and write the English language. They will have a privilege that i was once offered and yet shunned. You see, when i was offered the chance to read, i decided to instead to devote my time to becoming a freelance professional video game player. So i may not be able to write or read anything longer than five letters long, but i'll kick your ass at Call of Duty.